2010 and Turning Forty!

2010 was a big one and with it came the big birthday. The one you have heard about all of your life and never thought you would ever get to: forty. Granted, I have long since prepared for the massiveness and mayhem of the occasion. I had read magazine articles and books, listened to others talk about turning forty and imagined what it would be like. Furthermore, I had spent my 39th year in quiet mourning; preparing myself for the big landmark that awaited me the following year.
Was I really ready? I believe so (not that it matters). Forty comes no matter what and I think the best thing you can do is to try accepting it with grace and dignity. But, I had turned forty in Qatar. This was in amidst of a surreal yet at times painful and tumultuous experience of moving to a new country, working with unfamiliar people, and teaching at a new school. This school was a boarding school for boys who were, well, very needy. I was so focused on keeping my head above the water mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically that I hardly had time shedding tears about my age. Maybe that distraction was a good thing.
It was at this point I realized that every “milestone” birthday in my life (20, 30, and 40) took place at a time filled with: craziness, pandemonium, stress, excitement, anxiety, fear and vulnerability. I began to see a pattern emerge starting in 1990.
If you are like me, I have little recollection of my twentieth birthday. I was going to college at SUNY Potsdam at the time and can safely assume I went out partying to celebrate it. Yet, I was in amidst of a turbulent transition. Just a month prior, I had left home, and transferred from a small two-year college and moved up near the Canadian border. It was the furthest I had ever been away from home and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was on my way to becoming independent which was both exciting yet terrifying. Because of the distance, I just could not drive home to see family as much as I used to. Furthermore, I was just settling into my dorm, adjusting to a new roommate, making new friends and attending new classes when all of a sudden, I turned twenty. Not that it was any big deal really. I guess when you are a college kid and live in New York, you get more excited about turning twenty-one. But still, it was a considerable change.
Then, for my 30th birthday -more of the same! I was hired at Cazenovia Elementary School that August, a month prior. I had just moved out of my Mom’s house in North Norwich to get an apartment in Manlius, New York. I had thought my current boyfriend and I were getting this place together but he had changed his mind. I was on my own. Furthermore, I’d just started going to Onondaga BOCES for Reading Recovery training which I would be teaching that fall. I found Burton Street Elementary more intense than my old school; really forcing me to grow professionally and mentally. Once again, life was a whirlwind. I had moments of sheer happiness mixed with fear, stress, and intense anxiety. At times, I wanted to just quit and move back home with mom where it was safe again. In reality, I kept plugging along and finally received my Reading Recovery certification. I also finished my first year at Burton Street Elementary, made wonderful new friends, and thanked God that I had stuck with things. In fact, after two years, I was strong and ready enough to take that leap into teaching overseas.
Fast forward ten years and bring on forty! Here we go again: another move, another job after living and working in Kuwait for eight years. The elation of beginning a new life and starting new challenges wore off fast after my move to Qatar. It then became a time of survival, culture-shock and panic. Bam! I turned forty in September with not a minute to think or feel about what that might entail. I was in transition mode again. Was it simpler the hundredth time around? Not really, as each shift or change is so varied from the last. I do not think it ever gets easier, but you do get smarter; which brings me to my next point.
Soon I was able to breathe again and really reflect on this colossal milestone in my life. I had many questions I wanted to ask myself such as, “Was I happy at forty?”, “Was I in a good place in life?”, “Did I have any regrets?”, “Do I still have goals?” and “Where was I headed?” This forced me to think about these milestone birthdays and where I have come from. I then made some realizations and one of which was, how lucky I was in many ways. All of those transitions in my life had helped to push and mold me into who I was today, and luckily, I liked that person. The struggles of age twenty prepared me for my 30’s and my transitions at thirty prepared me for the now, the present moment.
I like that it takes time to develop the knowledge, insight, life experiences and maturity that one can only experience with age. One can look back on those memories with pride, confidence and good feeling knowing we fought the good fight, had some fun along the way and came out all right. Sometimes I am amazed at what myself (and others), had to tackle while growing up: parents’ divorce, breakups, extended families, high school, college, tests, death, loss of family, pets, and friends, moving away, and starting over among others. And while you are going through it, you think it will never work out or get better but it does and we learn a thing or two along the way.
So, getting back to the questions, yes I am happy at forty. Maybe not at being forty so much but I am happy with myself and my life at the age of forty. I read a quote recently and I use it often: “Happiness is a choice.” I realize no matter what the year, the transition, bump in the road or circumstance, you can always find pockets of happiness and joy. It is up to us to put in the effort to search and find it. Also, I am concentrating more on the present moment and not so much on the past, or future or the “if only I…” I did not understand this way of thinking in my younger years but now, I finally do. I appreciate and welcome my 40’s with a grateful, simplistic, and open heart. I look forward to life in general, appreciating, and sharing it with the people I love. Last but not least, I know I have to trust myself and all will be well. I remember this quote fondly by Goethe: “Trust yourself and you will know how to live.” And that is exactly what I intend to do.