A Moment in Thailand & Getting my Mojo Back!
April 2011

I needed Thailand. Spring break this year was in Phuket and I had been preparing for it mentally and emotionally for weeks prior. Maybe I knew in the back of my mind that something magical would happen on that trip. Something spellbinding would occur from the inside out via Thailand. And- it had to be Thailand and not any other country. Can downtime on a tropical beach really save your life?
In August I had left New York to live in Qatar. I started work at a military-type school for all boys in grades 6-12 and my colleagues were mainly British or Australians. I kept waiting for the excitement that came with starting something new and it never arrived. Changes overwhelmed me more than I realized. And instantly I started missing both home and Kuwait and thought that if I could only go back to one of them, life would feel normal again.
Now I had previously read all the books that are supposed to help you in a crisis: Eckhart Tolle, Dan Millman, and Louise Hay and up until then, I would have thought that I could handle any type of bump in the road. I had also started the practice of meditating as well as working with Tarot Cards and anticipated those to help me. Yet, in fact, I was just numb. I had to relearn survival skills and work my way up to happiness. I demanded to be happy and the sooner it happened the better!
As with any change, you are always told to take life day by day which I tried to do but my mind kept wandering off to my favorite time: the future. I dreamt of my escape and of trips down the road that were months away, vacations, and going home for the summer or just returning to New York in general. I kept thinking of just trying to get through the day or week to get to the next light at the end of the tunnel to keep me going. I looked for jobs back home that would hire teachers in October. I would research places for trips or vacations: anywhere that would allow me to escape my current reality.
As time went on, some awareness of my situation started to break through. Everything I had read started to make some sense and I realized I could actually use that information in my daily life. I had to start believing that happiness was a choice. I had to start trusting myself to handle any moment in time no matter what it was. I started making a gratitude list of daily items or events that I was thankful for. I began to realize that all I really had to think about was the current moment and nothing more. If I could honestly say that I did trust myself, then I had nothing to worry about. Finally, I needed to appreciate the simplicity in my life instead of looking at it as a burden.
My trip to Phuket in April was when all of this daily practice solidified. Thailand is an easy place to make peace with one’s self. The minute you land you feel a sense of disconnect from the rest of the busy world. I knew that I needed to be away from QLA and Qatar to figure some things out and gain perspective. Also, Thailand is very familiar to me after being there so many times. It’s comfy.
One thing I realized is being around beauty and a change of scenery was good for my soul. Taking time off from work was not enough. I needed to be out of Qatar and surrounded by greenery, blue water and palm trees. Nature has such a healing effect and I noticed there were times when I just laid by the pool staring at the trees, engulfing myself in their beauty. I began to notice the tiniest things: pink lotus flowers floating lazily in the water, the soft glow of a smoldering orange sunset, or the shockingly red watermelon shakes that tasted so good after a day at the beach. It was truly the little, daily things that wowed me and I just wanted to bask in it. This was one of the first trips where I was immersed in nature in that way and I started to feel alive.
Simplicity was another way of healing myself. Every day I would lay out by the water whether it was by the choppy sea or the hotel pool. I had my kindle to read, fruit shakes to drink and music to listen to. Eventually I would sashay down to my favorite massage spot to get a foot rub or go out for a nice dinner. There wasn’t one excursion planned throughout the duration of my trip and I liked it that way. I wanted to be anchored and find a way of connecting myself to me again. Another element that added to my very basic agenda was staying at the Hilton. That hotel is designed to make a guest comfortable and at ease. Because it was so big with many pools, a gym, spa and restaurant, one really needn’t leave the premises. I could have just secluded myself there in my own private paradise. It’s a happy place.
With each passing day I was focused on being in the present. I had made up my mind ahead of time that I was going to enjoy every single moment of my break and I did; nothing else mattered except being in that place and time. Each day was more special than the last and I knew when I returned to Qatar that I could look back fondly on this vacation and know that I had my mojo back! There were only eight more weeks left in the school year and I was ready to get to them. With my return home, I brought back with me my tools of simplicity, being surrounded by beauty (hard to do in Qatar but possible if you look) as well as staying present in the now. My trip allowed me to take a breath and put all of my previous learning in place.
It is worth mentioning that before I had even left for Thailand I had to realize that all of my happiness could not rely on my upcoming vacation because soon enough, the trip would be over and I would have to return to reality again. The question was, “How could I make my trip last for the remainder of the school year if not longer?” And “How can every day feel like a vacation?” As Eckhart Tolle always says, bad times never last long but neither do the good times. I have learned to stay neutral, and not calling an event good or bad but just let it be as it is. Most importantly, as Goethe says, I need to “Trust myself and you will know how to live.” With each change and challenge in life, that quote is worth remembering and repeating. If you can say it and really believe it, one will always be okay. Long live Thailand as it will always remain one of the closest places to heaven on Earth and I will always be grateful.

Happy May 1st

After my trip to Phuket for Spring Break, I am happy to be receiving May with an open and thankful heart. This has not been an easy year for me at times and I think between the beach, the Thai people and knowing there is only 6 weeks of school left my wounded heart and spirit have healed. From this point on, I will try to enjoy every minute of my day between now and July 1st!

Yikes! I have Outgrown Glamour Magazine!

I can remember back to my days of loving Seventeen Magazine in high school. I can even recollect buying my first issue. I do believe it was one of my favorite magazines of all time; maybe because it was something to escape into during the trials and tribulations of my teenage years. Or, maybe it was the excitement of receiving something in the mail that was only for me and how special it made me feel. The best issue had to be the one that always comes out around March that showcased new collections of prom gowns. I can recall browsing over pages of beautiful dresses and fantasizing what they would look like on me, which was my favorite and who my date would be.
Eventually, all good things had to come to an end. Somewhere in the blur of my college days I had put away the Seventeen Magazine for good. Stories about “Craziest Nail Looks” or “10 Kissing Secrets you don’t Know” did not hold my interest as much as they used to. Now that I had become a “modern, independent woman”, I needed a magazine that would better fit my needs. It was then that I entered the world of Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Self, and Vogue and did not look back. Some of my favorite topics revolved around fashion, losing weight, fun quizzes, beauty trends, boyfriend and career advice, and bikini-ready bodies.
I believe it was in my early 30’s when Cosmopolitan was the first to leave my life. All of a sudden, I realized that I had nothing in common with the articles or women they featured each month and that I had outgrown yet another magazine. I believed (and still believe) much of what was featured in Cosmo was centered on men and what they were thinking and feeling. Articles such as, “10 Things he’s Thinking when you’re Crying” or “You know he Loves you When…” did not appeal to me anymore nor did they address any of the issues that I, as a woman was going through. I felt this magazine put too much emphasis on being in a relationship or living our lives according to what men thought of us. What if we were single and not looking or, what if we were in a serious relationship, free from the games and the “what-ifs”?
This was also at a time when I was living in Kuwait and most of the articles and pictures were either torn out or blacked out. Furthermore, due to the high cost of magazines, I wanted to make sure what I was purchasing was worth my hard-earned money. And finally, I was in a serious relationship and way beyond all the dating and “boyfriend no-no’s”! Yet, it did kind of hurt in some ways that these magazines that had once gotten me through so many years of my life did not appeal to me anymore. I was worried that I was getting old and boring!
In the meanwhile, I still held on to my Glamour and my Marie Claire Magazines. These were the last to go. My latest Glamour issue was purchased in February of 2011 and I just bought it without looking at the cover’s articles until I got home. Once I glanced through it, I just sighed… It confirmed what I had been feeling off and on throughout my thirties: that another magazine for me has bitten the dust. I had slowly lost my connection with what is going on in Glamour world. Articles such as “29 Things he’s Thinking when you’re Naked”, “How to Fake Perfect Skin in 30 Seconds”, and “The 10 Most Glam Wardrobe Items Ever” are in another realm of the universe; so far from where I am in the present moment. The sad thing is that I only get these magazines now and then as treats since the prices of magazines are so expensive in the Middle East. Even if I look at them as “cheesy” entertainment or as a “guilty pleasure”-I am not enjoying them the way I used to.
I think I have to face the music and read magazines that fit my interests and lifestyle more. I am still trying to figure out which ones they are but maybe that is part of the fun of it all. Although I am not ready for Better Homes and Gardens or Good Housekeeping, magazines such as Oprah Winfrey’s O, Redbook, Travel and Leisure and Time still catch my interest and I doubt that will ever change. Maybe it is not so much as getting older and outgrowing things but finding out more of who we are and what we are becoming. It is all part of the adventure of life!

2010 and Turning Forty!

2010 was a big one and with it came the big birthday. The one you have heard about all of your life and never thought you would ever get to: forty. Granted, I have long since prepared for the massiveness and mayhem of the occasion. I had read magazine articles and books, listened to others talk about turning forty and imagined what it would be like. Furthermore, I had spent my 39th year in quiet mourning; preparing myself for the big landmark that awaited me the following year.
Was I really ready? I believe so (not that it matters). Forty comes no matter what and I think the best thing you can do is to try accepting it with grace and dignity. But, I had turned forty in Qatar. This was in amidst of a surreal yet at times painful and tumultuous experience of moving to a new country, working with unfamiliar people, and teaching at a new school. This school was a boarding school for boys who were, well, very needy. I was so focused on keeping my head above the water mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically that I hardly had time shedding tears about my age. Maybe that distraction was a good thing.
It was at this point I realized that every “milestone” birthday in my life (20, 30, and 40) took place at a time filled with: craziness, pandemonium, stress, excitement, anxiety, fear and vulnerability. I began to see a pattern emerge starting in 1990.
If you are like me, I have little recollection of my twentieth birthday. I was going to college at SUNY Potsdam at the time and can safely assume I went out partying to celebrate it. Yet, I was in amidst of a turbulent transition. Just a month prior, I had left home, and transferred from a small two-year college and moved up near the Canadian border. It was the furthest I had ever been away from home and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was on my way to becoming independent which was both exciting yet terrifying. Because of the distance, I just could not drive home to see family as much as I used to. Furthermore, I was just settling into my dorm, adjusting to a new roommate, making new friends and attending new classes when all of a sudden, I turned twenty. Not that it was any big deal really. I guess when you are a college kid and live in New York, you get more excited about turning twenty-one. But still, it was a considerable change.
Then, for my 30th birthday -more of the same! I was hired at Cazenovia Elementary School that August, a month prior. I had just moved out of my Mom’s house in North Norwich to get an apartment in Manlius, New York. I had thought my current boyfriend and I were getting this place together but he had changed his mind. I was on my own. Furthermore, I’d just started going to Onondaga BOCES for Reading Recovery training which I would be teaching that fall. I found Burton Street Elementary more intense than my old school; really forcing me to grow professionally and mentally. Once again, life was a whirlwind. I had moments of sheer happiness mixed with fear, stress, and intense anxiety. At times, I wanted to just quit and move back home with mom where it was safe again. In reality, I kept plugging along and finally received my Reading Recovery certification. I also finished my first year at Burton Street Elementary, made wonderful new friends, and thanked God that I had stuck with things. In fact, after two years, I was strong and ready enough to take that leap into teaching overseas.
Fast forward ten years and bring on forty! Here we go again: another move, another job after living and working in Kuwait for eight years. The elation of beginning a new life and starting new challenges wore off fast after my move to Qatar. It then became a time of survival, culture-shock and panic. Bam! I turned forty in September with not a minute to think or feel about what that might entail. I was in transition mode again. Was it simpler the hundredth time around? Not really, as each shift or change is so varied from the last. I do not think it ever gets easier, but you do get smarter; which brings me to my next point.
Soon I was able to breathe again and really reflect on this colossal milestone in my life. I had many questions I wanted to ask myself such as, “Was I happy at forty?”, “Was I in a good place in life?”, “Did I have any regrets?”, “Do I still have goals?” and “Where was I headed?” This forced me to think about these milestone birthdays and where I have come from. I then made some realizations and one of which was, how lucky I was in many ways. All of those transitions in my life had helped to push and mold me into who I was today, and luckily, I liked that person. The struggles of age twenty prepared me for my 30’s and my transitions at thirty prepared me for the now, the present moment.
I like that it takes time to develop the knowledge, insight, life experiences and maturity that one can only experience with age. One can look back on those memories with pride, confidence and good feeling knowing we fought the good fight, had some fun along the way and came out all right. Sometimes I am amazed at what myself (and others), had to tackle while growing up: parents’ divorce, breakups, extended families, high school, college, tests, death, loss of family, pets, and friends, moving away, and starting over among others. And while you are going through it, you think it will never work out or get better but it does and we learn a thing or two along the way.
So, getting back to the questions, yes I am happy at forty. Maybe not at being forty so much but I am happy with myself and my life at the age of forty. I read a quote recently and I use it often: “Happiness is a choice.” I realize no matter what the year, the transition, bump in the road or circumstance, you can always find pockets of happiness and joy. It is up to us to put in the effort to search and find it. Also, I am concentrating more on the present moment and not so much on the past, or future or the “if only I…” I did not understand this way of thinking in my younger years but now, I finally do. I appreciate and welcome my 40’s with a grateful, simplistic, and open heart. I look forward to life in general, appreciating, and sharing it with the people I love. Last but not least, I know I have to trust myself and all will be well. I remember this quote fondly by Goethe: “Trust yourself and you will know how to live.” And that is exactly what I intend to do.